A Jihadi State-of-the-Union Presentation

Dateline, Pakistan
January 11, 2012

The Heir to the Caliphate, Mullah O.

In a remote mountain cave in the Hindu Kush, somewhere within Pakistan’s western border regions, an important meeting is convened. The convener is none other than the famous Mullah O, a Taliban imam formerly from Afghanistan and now the de facto spiritual leader of the Islamic Caliphate movement, living in Pakistan.

Mullah O. sits on a large silk Kashmiri prayer rug reclining slightly on a cushion in the center of the cave. He is blind and his unblinking, blank eyes seem hard and determined, filled with a fundamentalist, messianic resolve. He is after all a chosen warrior of God, a Jihadi in the true sense of the word, who will restore the Kingdom of God on earth, a Utopia promised in the Holy book. He calls the meeting to order. Four of his top commanders flank him, two on each side. These are:

  • Ayman al-Zawahiri, the head of Al Qaeda,
  • Hakeemullah Mehsud, the leader of the movement of the Taliban in Pakistan and a close ally of al Qaeda,
  • General Ashfaq Kayani, Head of the Pakistani Army, a most secret double agent and a member of the Al Qaeda/Taliban network and Mullah O’s  inner cabinet,
  • Jalalabad Haqqani, the head of the Haqqani terror group.

Other commanders of the many affiliated terror cells sit in a group in front with their Kalishnikovs in their laps.

Mullah O: (invokes) Bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Rahim … By the grace of God may this meeting come to order. This is our annual meeting to discuss the State of the Union, the progress of the Mujahiddin Movement to destroy our Western enemies and their proxy dictators and occupiers of the Holy Lands. Since we met last year we have lost Sheikh Osama bin Laden,  our Founder and most precious Leader – he has become a shahid, a martyr, in  God’s struggle, and is no doubt in heaven with his 72 well-earned virgin houris.

The Mullah chuckles, and mutters under his breath:
Although, he seems to have been getting quite a lusty preview in the porn sites he was glued to in Abbottabad. Note to Self: Must ask Kayani for a fast Internet connection in my safe house.

I now urge the head of Al Qaeda, brother al-Zawahiri to give us a brief account of our progress in the last year and our goals for this year.

Ayman al-Zawahiri: Thank you, beneficent Mullah and God’s Prime Warrior. It is an honor to lead the Al Qaeda movement after so suddenly and treacherously losing brother Osama.

Unfortunately, I must sum up the State of the Jihad in 2011 in one phrase: Not Good.

We lost not only Osama bin Laden, but the head of our Yemeni operations, Anwar al-Awaki, the American born cleric who was an invaluable asset, and seven of his prized, highly-trained commanders in one drone raid alone. The Al Qaeda ranks have lost two hundred of its most zealous and ruthless regional leaders, emirs, funders and weapons experts. Former warlord governors of Balkh, Kandahar, Zabul, Baghlan, Kunduz – dedicated jihadis – all killed by drone strikes. Our key cabinet members, Ministers of:  War, Money Laundering, Drug Running, Propaganda and Misinformation, Human Trafficking – all gone. Regional commanders of the affiliated Pakistani terror cells – the Lashkar e-Toiba, Jaish e-Mohammad, etc. etc. – you know the groups I’m talking about – all quietly killed! We cannot replenish this kind of talent! Our affiliate groups in Kashmir, Indonesia, Chechnia, Somalia etc. have been similarly decimated.

Mullah O: With all our bluster Allah has made us no match for the powerful infidels. No, our only hope was that we could sow terror in their hearts, make them hysterical and get them to overreact. Only they have the ability to hang themselves and our plan is to induce them to do so. How deliciously they bit by taking the bait on Iraq!

Ayman al-Zawahiri: 
Yes, they did indeed. Our master terrorism trainer in Afghanistan, Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi, when tortured in Gitmo in 2002, held out superhumanly until he was ready to deliberately feed the interrogators carefully pre-planned misinformation. He told them (after an insanely ineffective waterboarding session) that Iraq was a hotbed of Al Qaeda and that Saddam Hussain had WMD’s which he was planning to share with us.

Although we knew that the overly trigger-happy leadership of the U.S. at the time was prone to bite on this kind of stuff, we had never imagined how successful we were going to be. By the grace of God they ignored their allies, their analysts and their own Intelligence agencies and attacked! They had not the most rudimentary knowledge of our politics and factions and did not realize that Baathist Saddam had kept the islamic zealots out of Iraq. And of course they had no idea that we cannot abide the majority Shia population of Iraq, the unbelievers and apostates who worship a false Caliph.

Mullah O: The results were spectacular. Our most glorious victory! God is Great!

Ayman al-Zawahiri: Yes, esteemed holiness, they were spectacular. It was as if we had perpetrated a thousand 9/11’s! The infidels spent $3 trillion dollars by one account, lost upwards of 4,000 lives not counting the couple of hundred thousand Iraqis and injured countless of their youth. It was delicious. A gift that kept on giving.

Hakeemullah Mehsud: And they took their attention off Afghanistan where they had us on the run. Sheikh Osama was trapped and many of my Taliban warriors were in perilous danger. Even you, Mullah O, were dispossessed and risked being trapped had the Americans continued the hot pursuit in Afghanistan/Pakistan. The attack on Iraq allowed us to escape to Pakistan and find sanctuaries. We must, of course, thank the Pakistani military and the ISI for taking us all into their protection and initiating a brilliant double game with the Americans.

Iraq is now a terrorists’ playground. The Americans have finally left and there is not a shred of stability or a functioning democracy. We have got a foothold and run many recruitment and training camps as anti-Americanism runs rampant and much of the Iraqi elite has fled. Ideal conditions for us. And, of course the removal of Saddam means that Iran can now control the Shiite Iraq. There’s supreme irony in this for the Americans have delivered Iraq to the most hostile country to them in the entire world!

Mullah O: Ok, so we were doing great. The Great Satan was hanging himself with his own rope. What changed?

Ashfaq Kayani: They got a new President, sir. Barack Obama. At first we rejoiced. He seemed naive and idealistic and something in his background suggested a muslim seed. But he proved crafty and quietly ruthless. He created the only kind of warfare that works against terrorism – unsymmetrical, targeted counterattacks to take us out in pinpoint accurate raids, coupled with heightened intelligence, superior technology  and special ops skill. He ratcheted up the drone attacks and called our Pakistani bluff to be allies with him by requiring us to provide him targeting information.

We complied giving them whatever we could get away with – we needed the billions in aid to which my officers had become hopelessly addicted. Still we assiduously protected the core leadership of the Al Qaeda, Taliban and Haqqani networks. I am astounded and incredulous as to how they still got Osama bin Laden – I had personally given him the prime safe house in our military’s possession. We have no answers in the ultimate analysis against smart Special Ops and their technology.

Mullah O: What is our best hope for 2012 and beyond?

Jalalabad Haqqani: We simply have to get them to attack Iran. It will be a doozie if they bite. A country much bigger and more powerful then Iraq – and one where we can’t get access because they are Shia. If we can get the Americans to tear it down we can have another terrorist haven to fight the infidels. And the black eye that it will give the Americans could prove an existentialist blow. Another few trillions that even they cannot afford, a fractured and war-riven middle class, a polarized American electorate, a destabilized middle east and a lot of motivated jihadis – it is a goal we must avidly fight for.

Mullah O: But Obama won’t easily bite, right?

General Ashfaq Kayani: No sir, he won’t. He is being infuriatingly deliberate in how he takes on the Iran threats. Again he chooses to use the very effective and cheap targeted destabilizing techniques. He injects their nuclear systems with computer viruses causing multi-year setbacks, he takes out their intellectual assets and he aids their growing anti-mullah movements from behind the scenes. Even Mehmud Ahmedinijad is frustrated and has begun saber rattling in the Straits of Hormuz to tempt him to start a ground war. That would be great for Mehmud, of course, as it would give him wartime prestige and power – a legitimacy that he lacks.

Mullah O: What can we do?

Ayman al-Zawahiri: The Republicans are our only hope. They are beating the tom-toms and whooping up bloody war cries like a bunch of demented, native American shamans. Michelle Bachmann even called for missile attacks and war strikes right now! May God give her a hundred lives.

Mullah O: But she has already withdrawn from the race. What about Rick Perry, the born again from Texas? He said that he would not only start a war with Iran but reopen a third front for the Americans by going back to Iraq! Maybe God is working His will on the infidels.

Ayman al-Zawahiri: No, I’m afraid Perry is far too dumb even for his ultra-right constituencies. He doesn’t have a chance in the Republican primaries.

Mullah O: Rick Santorum, surely, then. Isn’t he a possibility?

Ayman al-Zawahiri: He does have the fanatic, fundamentalist fervor. Doesn’t believe in science or college, only in the absolute Infallibility of the Word – God’s and his own. He will be happy to induce the Apocalypse – it’s prophesized by their heathen texts. We pray five times a day that he becomes the next president, but alas, the odds are low. The infidels have gone moderate and are liable to pick Mitt Romney.

Mullah O: That’s not as bad as Ron Paul, I guess. He’s a real anti-war freak. What’s with the Republican Party these days?

Ayman al-Zawahiri: Floundering and giving us a scare. Still Mitt Romney won’t be that bad for us. He said he’s very squarely for a big, destructive war with Iran.  We don’t know for sure what’s in his heart. He is rather the chameleon – acts stupid every so often to please his Republican base.

Mullah O: Well let’s hope it isn’t Obama for another four years. Lucky for us that Obama doesn’t follow up his devastating missions on us with strutting, twirling his gun or landing on an aircraft carrier in bomber pilot duds declaring “Mission Accomplished“.

So the majority of Americans are unaware of his victories and buying into the unscrupulous ruddy-necked rhetoric of him being an appeaser.  God is Great!

The meeting goes on in this vein for several hours…


January 12, 2012 (the Next Day)

Phone call from Ayman al-Zawahiri to the Mullah, intercepted by western intelligence.

”Holy Leader, I have bad news. On his drive back to Waziristan, brother Hakeemullah Mesud was killed today by a drone strike. Six of his body guards and several Taliban regional chiefs, who were present at yesterday’s conference, also perished. May God rest their soul and give them the promised fulfillment in heaven!“


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6 Responses to A Jihadi State-of-the-Union Presentation

  1. jay sethuram says:

    Good job Ashok. You should publish this in papers.

  2. Larry Zeni says:

    Someone needs to get the word out, lest we be drowned in the upcoming sea of Republican rhetoric, and people actually start believing it. You’ve done a great service.

  3. Arun says:

    Not sure why you need the pendantic rhetoric of the “actors” to make your points.

  4. manu gupta says:

    Wow. When are you joining New york Times?

  5. Vinita says:

    Great writing Ashok. Would be worried for your security if Talibans do not not get your Republican vs Democrat humor!

  6. Reza (Rezzu Chacha) says:

    Awesome, Ashok your very subtle analysis of the chaotic and perverse state of the US political scenario and in the same fell swoop of your, though fictitious but almost true-sounding, Iraq-Iran-Afghanistan-Pakistan state of affairs heading perhaps inevitably towards a disastrous regional quagmire.
    More power to Obama to keep up the good work.

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